Today I was at a Burger King for lunch. I saw these little children celebrating a birthday party. I started to reminisce about my childhood. I had everything going for me, then my parent decided to move.
We were very poor once. It makes me sad to think how much money played a role in my life. Perhaps I'm just in a depressed mood, but it's a part of this world.
I'm going to try to think of ways to be happy without money.
I can go for a walk, read books at the library, talk about the world with friends, share dreams, share jokes, play tag, jog, sit at the park, sing, write poetry, using out imagination is free.
Even though I didn't have money growing up, I had the library and book stores that I could walk to and spend hours entertained by other people's imagination.
I had good childhood friends who cared for joy as much as I did. We played sports, tag, hide'n'seek with as much joy as any child with money. It is the company in which you are surrounded by that brings you joy and fulfillment in life.
People have to be reminded of that. I have to be reminded of that. Living life lonely is no way to go. Don't do it.
I have had the last five years in solitude, by choice. I want to change that.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
4:59 AM
I woke up early this morning, because I dreamt of my ex-girl friend. We were together for six years. It has been over seven years since I last saw her.
In this dream, I was over at her house speaking to her father. He needed some advice, and I decided to go because I might get to see her. She was my first and only girlfriend. I have had only one other since her. This other relationship was for only a few months, and was ruined because I kept thinking back of the other girl.
The reason why I startled awake from the dream is:
Her response to me asking her if she'd like to go out with me again.
She said, "No, I'm being set up with lots of Chinese men from Orange County."
I didn't care in the dream or in real life for that matter that she looked completely different from when I was with her. The very notion of the situation suggesting that was her was enough for me to identify her.
She was roughly the same height, little thicker, she got significant breast augmentation, and she at times had three eyes.
I know that sounds really odd, but It's just a dream. In reality, I don't care what she looks like. She represents a time in my life that I was really happy. Life hasn't been as kind in that department for the last five years.
In this dream, it was the rejection that disturbed me. I wanted her to miss me and be as happy to see me as I was to see her. But she rejected me and disregarded my attempt to get her back.
I use to think that the reason for my unhappiness was that I was grieving for my lost. But the reason is that I have LOW SELF ESTEEM. I am unfair to myself. I do not think I'm good enough. I'm a loner. Other people tell me that I have low self esteem. I have this problem, but I have a natural desire to solve problems.
The relationship was over. Even though we had a long distance relationship for the later three years of that six year relationship, I thought we were in love. The truth of the matter is:
She moved on, found a new man, new friends, and graduated from university with honors.
I did not fit in her scheme of things, much like how I felt with the girl in my next failed relationship. I had as much to do with the relationship falling apart as she did. It does apply to both of my relationships. I still think of her because I experienced so many new things with her.
My goal is to raise my self esteem.
I will probably try to:
1) Resolve past conflicts by justification or release. This journal will document both in my quest to better myself. My theory is that justification is necessary at times and release is better at time. Justification is self explanatory, but release has to be some method. I have found yoga breathing best on alleviating stress and letting go of thoughts. Remembering one's past is natural, and is so ingrained in us because we're human and our past shapes us. We can never truly forget the past because that's how our brain works. We can only choose to replace memories.
2) Record and analyze present situations
3) Determine improvements.
4) Share my work in progress as it might help others.
In this dream, I was over at her house speaking to her father. He needed some advice, and I decided to go because I might get to see her. She was my first and only girlfriend. I have had only one other since her. This other relationship was for only a few months, and was ruined because I kept thinking back of the other girl.
The reason why I startled awake from the dream is:
Her response to me asking her if she'd like to go out with me again.
She said, "No, I'm being set up with lots of Chinese men from Orange County."
I didn't care in the dream or in real life for that matter that she looked completely different from when I was with her. The very notion of the situation suggesting that was her was enough for me to identify her.
She was roughly the same height, little thicker, she got significant breast augmentation, and she at times had three eyes.
I know that sounds really odd, but It's just a dream. In reality, I don't care what she looks like. She represents a time in my life that I was really happy. Life hasn't been as kind in that department for the last five years.
In this dream, it was the rejection that disturbed me. I wanted her to miss me and be as happy to see me as I was to see her. But she rejected me and disregarded my attempt to get her back.
I use to think that the reason for my unhappiness was that I was grieving for my lost. But the reason is that I have LOW SELF ESTEEM. I am unfair to myself. I do not think I'm good enough. I'm a loner. Other people tell me that I have low self esteem. I have this problem, but I have a natural desire to solve problems.
The relationship was over. Even though we had a long distance relationship for the later three years of that six year relationship, I thought we were in love. The truth of the matter is:
She moved on, found a new man, new friends, and graduated from university with honors.
I did not fit in her scheme of things, much like how I felt with the girl in my next failed relationship. I had as much to do with the relationship falling apart as she did. It does apply to both of my relationships. I still think of her because I experienced so many new things with her.
My goal is to raise my self esteem.
I will probably try to:
1) Resolve past conflicts by justification or release. This journal will document both in my quest to better myself. My theory is that justification is necessary at times and release is better at time. Justification is self explanatory, but release has to be some method. I have found yoga breathing best on alleviating stress and letting go of thoughts. Remembering one's past is natural, and is so ingrained in us because we're human and our past shapes us. We can never truly forget the past because that's how our brain works. We can only choose to replace memories.
2) Record and analyze present situations
3) Determine improvements.
4) Share my work in progress as it might help others.
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