kimberly

i love women.

i could fall in love in a matter of minutes with some. this weekend, i fell in love with one, "lydia." she was just the perfect height, 5'6". she had the perfect smile, the type of smile that shows off all her teeth. a great body, beautiful and shinny skin that captures all ambient lighting and reflects them from the perfect curves on her body.

we spoke,
we compared our skin by pressing our forearms to each other,
we looked deeply into each other's eyes,
we imagined what it would be like to kiss.
we pressed our lips,
noses to cheeks,
lips to necks,
hands in hair, on necks, backs, hips,
the intimacy removed any clothing.

when i left her in the morning, we did not get one bit of sleep the whole night. i stood over her, and tried my best to capture what she looked like in my mind. i'm leaving and i'll never see her again. she offered me her phone number, but i think i allowed my face to betray her.

she knew i wouldn't call.

i wasn't a Gemini, i wasn't born close to midnight, i didn't want to leave everything behind and start over somewhere far away, i had a great girlfriend in high school, and would very much doubt that i would have asked her to winter formal.

those words i spoke at the beginning betrayed my emotions. i need to tell her how good it is to see her again, how much i have missed her, but those lies.

Curveballs

Events in most of our lives constantly throws us off balance.

One recent event that lead to where I am now is my father losing his job. My parents are having a tough time financially. I have to help them, because if i do not, no one will. I will not stand around to witness them suffer.

This event has really impacted my desire to better my love life. To me, that objective takes a backseat to my family. The impact of the event is felt in my inner game. I had been on a quest to improve myself. It was necessary after many years of procrastination. I like many other men, didn't take the advice to make the most of our youth seriously enough (i.e. youth is wasted on the young). My motivation to improve has taken quite the downturn in the past few weeks. I'll bounce back, but this is just a reminder of the impact of procrastinating.

It is disheartening to know that the world will leave you behind once you are older and unable to keep up with the demands of society. We too can lose our jobs when we're older, when our certain skills become obsolete.

I don't know where this will lead my family, but hopefully we'll find a way out of this. The primary objective now is to find new economic opportunities in all situations that I encounter.

writing to write

i'm not going out this weekend. i have a cold.

that's not really the main reason. i want more me time so that i can rest and workout. i want to improve my health.

i have been smoking since i was 16. i'm now in my early 30's.

in my 14-25 years, i was an avid workoutholic. i was built quite durably. it was a very simple way of getting attention and helped out lots on my inner game/confidence.

it wasn't until i got hooked on a stupid morpg did i stop working out. those 2.5 years spent on it reduced me to being very weak. i hate it.

i use to pride myself on my endurance. i could push out more pushups, run a bit more, and throw a bit further than my friends. now i suck. got full mounted and strangled last time i wrestled. eww, it's going to be on my mind forever.

have to be strong, fast and smart.

some r&r

nothing new to report. past two weeks have been "me" time. it might be my laziness at work, but i'm reading some books that interest me. the most interesting of them, "age of turbulence" by alan greenspan.

he's for sure an alpha male in discrete packaging.

i grew up wanting to be just like him. a rennisance man of sorts. being academic and musically talented. both require work and long hours fueled by passion.

i'm trying to find my passion.

what is it that i would love to do?

the other book i'm reading is the definitive book on body language. it's really good. i like it because it adds a new element to my life. to be conscious of body language. previously, i focused on listening to people and only subconsciously acknowledging body language.

but now, i'm going to try to observe the interaction from the big picture to the small picture.

it starts with observing the environment. what are people here for? what's the temperature? how many people are around? who is around? why is this person here? what are they wearing? how are they standing? where are their feets posistioned? what are their arms doing? what are their hands doing? what does their expression say? what do their eyes show?

is it all congruent to their words? are they vibing well? is it IOI? is it IOD? are they qualifing? are they hooked? am i bringing out emotions? am i on an energy level the same or slightly higher than them. am i speaking loud enough, slow, or clear enough? is my micro calibration on or off?

to simplify the above two paragraphs, am I trying to develope a higher level of interaction. I have to train my mind to make all those calculations and others that may appear.

I was hanging out with a natural for the last two weekends, and it seems that they out of habit observe most of the questions out of habit.

i am socially awkward, so i have to develop them.

dance floor

statement: i'm not an agile person.

friday night, local club, on the dance floor with two girls. dark room with slow flashing light. other dancing bodies around us to create a private dance floor. the other people create rhythmic walls encompassing my private dance space. it was fun. like being in my old party state once again.

it has been years since i have had fun on the dance floor. two girls one guy. made it work just like any other activity. engaged one, encourage her to integrate the other, move on to the other but with a little more intimacy/sexiness. more direct eye contact, eye body, more suggestive body movements, and bring the other girl back in to the mix. push and pull once again, rinse repeat.

get the girls to have fun with you, to want to take turns being close to you.

then, take a step back, set the moves on autopilot.

i took a good look as i turned in a circle. sure as heck, other girls who made up the wall to my dance floor became shy spectators. i had a great time.

Past Weekend

this weekend was incredibly tiring. friday night, stayed out until 4. saturday night out til 4. superbowl party, numerous shots and mixed drinks.

so here i am, monday morning hungover from too much partying. friday night, had dinner with friends and took a break from gaming, because i felt the previous thursday night's experience called for a break. what happened thurs, was AA got all over me. so for friday, i wanted to reconnect with friends and just drink a shitload and relax.

saturday was fantastic. I had the energy and the motivation to go game again, i hooked my first 8.5-9 hb on the field. i loved how she would eye me as i moved through the room. it started with me winning over her obstacle friend (7.5-8) within two minutes of talking to her. opener neg, one dhv, and neg again. that's all the work i had to do on the obstacle, then i point to my target and say, "are you just going to stand there and let your buddy behave like that?" she qualifies herself, i SOI her, she tells me her name and asks for mine. i tell her a story about a friend that involved love, breakups, and finding love again and again and again. she's got that look and is puddy in my hand. the fun!

i need a break from the insanity of the night game. what makes night game so appealling is that the women are use to men approaching and i don't feel awkward about running my game on them. they're kinda buzzed from the booze as is, and in a social state. is it obvious that i'm about to talk about transitioning to day game?

i'm going to run day game when my nervous tendencies will be spotted by women who haven't had a thing to drink. they are going to be able to tell that i'm nervous from a mile away, but i don't care. it's going to help me become a more social being no matter what the time of day is and overcome the aa i still get.

body language, facial expression, and vocal presentation is going to be key. i already have a shitload of material, and making things up on the fly isn't going to be a problem.

Approach Anxiety Attack; AAA

Fuck me! I went AFC to a massive degree last night.

Two buddies and I decided to head out for some sushi last night in Costa Mesa. A very good place, with very fresh fish on Wednesday night. I went with the intention of picking up a waitress.

It was dark out, and I drove at a fast pace up the 405 weaving through traffic. The strength in my foot pushed the peddal, but the excitement in my mind pushed the speed limit. As I arrived, I cooly walked to the door of the restaurant. Two set walks by me, another two set walk by me, and another, I did nothing. Fuck.

As we're being seated I noticed only three waitresses. None were of high caliber but we got the best of the worst. She's my target by default. I C&F'd her the whole time. Dinner came and it went down the hatch. Shit, I know what I should do.

Then came the massive attack of the AFC. I'm AFC my mind tells me. Lots and lots of internal noise, and more internal noise, until I give in to it. I leave without meeting my objective. Mission failed.

It's difficult internalizing what I learned a few weeks ago. Giving in is easy. It was the easy way out, and I didn't learn a thing.

I need to learn from the field training.

Failed Sarge

At a club Saturday night. Had three drinks. Went to the bar by the dance floor. Was chatting with my wing. Saw two girls dancing, approached.

Went up and said, "Hi!"

They politely responded.

The obstacle checked me out and walked away. That's where the game was shot to hell.

I should have won her over first. It would've made the whole pickup easier.

The problem is that her disappearance made her friend wonder where she was and distracted her giving her some sort of time constraint.

The solution is simple. Have to engage the group. Acknowledge the target and move to engage the obstacles at their energy level. A very good way to do so would be to open arms at waist level to encompass the entire group when talking so that even in the loud environment, there is nonverbal communication that I was addressing the entire party.

The point of being on the dance floor is to dance. That interaction should mainly be to dance, demonstrate higher value, being able to keep rhythm and energy, and to build sexual tension. A good physique is required. You have to be in good shape.

best part of the week, the magnificent weekend

friday night, cool air and clean from the recent rain. night out in downtown. i love this city. driving into the downtown district, seeing the great big glass and concrete buildings, crowned with light.

from the distance it seemed as if the building were built so close to enclose the warmth.

met a beautiful girl that night. 5'8" slim, beautiful dark eyes and shining smile. she's the type that smiled more often in the night than any other expression. kinda look that gets etched in your mind. a winning smile like a princess.

i love the weekend. i love the free spirited interactions that comes with the weekend.

saturday night was not as great. too much intention on making the night just as great as the past night. too much expectation, too little being aware of the surrounding environment and the what to make of it.

lessons learned:

1) appreciate things for what they are at the moment.
2) don't kino until more than one IOI.
3) acknowledge my ego is based on my integrity.

do i live with guilt?

so i have found many techniques to seduce, i incorporate them in my interactions with women, i get them to have the "puppy eyes," they eat out of my hand, but now what?

now i feel as though i'm an asshole for breaking her heart. she's not the one but she was fun.

i did the right things to set off chemical reactions in them, they're giving off a very "needy" vibe.

since i triggered this chain of events, i'm to blame.

this is my sticking point:

i feel guilty making women sad.

I thought about this ethical dilemma quite a bit the last few hours. There is certainly a conflict of interest in male/female romance. I will not write on that lengthy topic, but it is very real. I need to focus more on quality. The screening process will have to be much more stringent, there is simply not enough time to waste.

pua

for the last two months, i've been studying the pua community. it began in november when i decided to head to barnes and noble for the book, "the game."

i discovered the book after watching my "natural" friend work one night and being frustrated at my attempts at finding romance. how is it that he gets the girls and i don't?

well, it's now two months later, and i'm still single without a date. what's going on?

in my own defense, i got three numbers in which they were all flakes. it's a baby step, but at least i'm at a baby's stumbling rate instead of being dead in the water.

for the last two months, i've read thousands of pages, hundreds of thousands of words related to the field. as you can tell, my storytelling ability has improved. my biggest accomplishment is to turn the fear of approaching/rejection into energy that keeps me vitalized and alert to the social dynamics of interacting with people, not just women, but mixed groups.

so my weekend would consist of getting out of work on friday, and preparing for the night. i would get a quick bite, drink lots of fluids, shower, brush, shave, mold my hair into what i can only imagine as being slick and doing my best to compose an outfit that is fit for nightlife. that was a run-on, but i really enjoy looking good.

the nights out that i had some success with women, each began with me taking the bulls by the horn. i would make weak direct openers with the first women i see (i.e., first time at this place?).

the nights out that i had the least results, each began with thinking i'll wait until i get inside the place.

do you see the pattern? i do. it's all starts with active effort or making excuses.

no more excuses, make it, say anything you want. be aware of your actions, reactions, the small picture, the big picture, calibrate each statement and response.

it's hard being social, you have to stay on your toes. but then, i should always be on my toes. constantly thinking or learning to adapt.

I'm going to be an element.

purpose of life

the purpose of life is to survive and replicate - mystery

those two are essential; however, replicate is lots broader than what mystery puts it. for example, famous poets, people of science, leaders, and other people who have left their mark on this planet who did not have children, their replication is their impact on modern society.

for my purposes, i have to stop and just take the framing of the word replicate to achieve my desires.

i desire love, health and wealth!

i don't think those factors have to be defined, because they should be ever expanding and evolving.

with a combination of the three factors, a person will have higher S&R or social value. I agree with this completely. it's like what came first, the chicken or the egg. since my life is void of love, i'm going to have to create S&R or demonstrate potential S&R so that i can bring that into the equation.

understanding women will not be as simple as how mystery puts it though. i need to reread the chapter.

Viv

When I saw her picture with her man, it disturbed me. I am disturbed. It's been over 7 years, and she still has an impact on me.

What did I feel when I saw it?

I felt sad. Where is my new love? Where is my happiness?

I guess I just found lots of new questions.

I am I good enough?

It all goes back to my self-esteem. It's low. I am not doing what I'm suppose to do. I am not as good as I ought to be. I need help.

Do I need the help of others?

I do feel better when I can contribute to something. I need to feel needed, because of this need, I know that my problem stems from the inside. Somewhere in my consciousness, I need affirmation because it isn't obvious.

I have always tried to search for success. That's what I want. To be great.

That relationship didn't make me great. It distracted me from being great. I have to make the journey, I shouldn't need another to make me feel good. I have to go on that journey and pursue it myself. Proactive, make decisions, make experiences, make myself better.

Got to try or it'll never happen.

What this rant has to do with my experience today is that: the sight of her with another reminds me of why I need to move on.

Just fucking move on. Stop hating yourself, and stop pitying for yourself.

after seeing the pursuit

i just saw a movie about the pursuit of happiness. after the initial viewing, what impressed me most was the nonstop overcoming of obstacles.

can i do it?

not likely.

why?

it looked too difficult. too many hardships, too much suffering, too long the hours, etc.

i always thought of myself as not giving up easily. enduring hardship just means that one has to visualize the goal. suffering creates memories. and the long hours aren't really that long if we see that time is valuable, priceless.

i just have to figure out what my goal is.

That's the next step, find a goal.

i'm smart, i can prove it.

nice smile

i met this girl sometime back. she's beautiful. her smile radiates, and is so pure. lately, i have been thinking of what it's like to kiss her. i imagine that it would be wonderful.

i am thankful of having her around. i can't imagine doing anything to ruin it. i'll probably ruin things if i did act on my desires, because i can't love her children. i'm sure of it.

Jennifer's Birthday

Today I was at a Burger King for lunch. I saw these little children celebrating a birthday party. I started to reminisce about my childhood. I had everything going for me, then my parent decided to move.

We were very poor once. It makes me sad to think how much money played a role in my life. Perhaps I'm just in a depressed mood, but it's a part of this world.

I'm going to try to think of ways to be happy without money.

I can go for a walk, read books at the library, talk about the world with friends, share dreams, share jokes, play tag, jog, sit at the park, sing, write poetry, using out imagination is free.

Even though I didn't have money growing up, I had the library and book stores that I could walk to and spend hours entertained by other people's imagination.

I had good childhood friends who cared for joy as much as I did. We played sports, tag, hide'n'seek with as much joy as any child with money. It is the company in which you are surrounded by that brings you joy and fulfillment in life.

People have to be reminded of that. I have to be reminded of that. Living life lonely is no way to go. Don't do it.

I have had the last five years in solitude, by choice. I want to change that.

4:59 AM

I woke up early this morning, because I dreamt of my ex-girl friend. We were together for six years. It has been over seven years since I last saw her.

In this dream, I was over at her house speaking to her father. He needed some advice, and I decided to go because I might get to see her. She was my first and only girlfriend. I have had only one other since her. This other relationship was for only a few months, and was ruined because I kept thinking back of the other girl.

The reason why I startled awake from the dream is:

Her response to me asking her if she'd like to go out with me again.

She said, "No, I'm being set up with lots of Chinese men from Orange County."

I didn't care in the dream or in real life for that matter that she looked completely different from when I was with her. The very notion of the situation suggesting that was her was enough for me to identify her.

She was roughly the same height, little thicker, she got significant breast augmentation, and she at times had three eyes.

I know that sounds really odd, but It's just a dream. In reality, I don't care what she looks like. She represents a time in my life that I was really happy. Life hasn't been as kind in that department for the last five years.

In this dream, it was the rejection that disturbed me. I wanted her to miss me and be as happy to see me as I was to see her. But she rejected me and disregarded my attempt to get her back.

I use to think that the reason for my unhappiness was that I was grieving for my lost. But the reason is that I have LOW SELF ESTEEM. I am unfair to myself. I do not think I'm good enough. I'm a loner. Other people tell me that I have low self esteem. I have this problem, but I have a natural desire to solve problems.

The relationship was over. Even though we had a long distance relationship for the later three years of that six year relationship, I thought we were in love. The truth of the matter is:

She moved on, found a new man, new friends, and graduated from university with honors.

I did not fit in her scheme of things, much like how I felt with the girl in my next failed relationship. I had as much to do with the relationship falling apart as she did. It does apply to both of my relationships. I still think of her because I experienced so many new things with her.

My goal is to raise my self esteem.

I will probably try to:

1) Resolve past conflicts by justification or release. This journal will document both in my quest to better myself. My theory is that justification is necessary at times and release is better at time. Justification is self explanatory, but release has to be some method. I have found yoga breathing best on alleviating stress and letting go of thoughts. Remembering one's past is natural, and is so ingrained in us because we're human and our past shapes us. We can never truly forget the past because that's how our brain works. We can only choose to replace memories.

2) Record and analyze present situations

3) Determine improvements.

4) Share my work in progress as it might help others.